[One Sip of a Book] Avoid Saying "I'll Definitely Do It Next Time~"

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This is the new work by communication expert Kim Yunna, who gained the attention of 500,000 readers with her 2017 book Mal Geureut (The Vessel of Words). It offers advice for those who feel disadvantaged due to poor communication skills or who swallow their words out of fear of conflict. Hardened language habits create a 'blind spot in speech' that one may not even realize. The author introduces communication methods to discover and smoothly refine these blind spots. She also shares how to convey a favorable tone to others, how to handle unreasonable requests, and how to respond to rude people without showing unpleasant emotions.

Your speech is not all of you, but the world tries to judge what kind of person you are through your speech. People evaluate you before fully understanding your good intentions, and sometimes misunderstand you. When that happens, don’t be upset; instead, improve your skills. Speech is not innate but a learned area that can be improved with effort. Warm and competent words can make the impossible possible and keep people by your side. That very power will make what you inherently possess shine even brighter.

Praise should first be received pleasantly with "Thank you" or "I appreciate it," then returned to the other person. The key here is 'what to return as praise.' It’s good to find a characteristic similar to the compliment given to you because the point the other person praised is likely something they care about. If it’s hard to find that immediately, you can compliment the interest they showed you, their insight in recognizing you, or their ability to express it. For example, "Thank you. You have a great sense of complimenting" praises their sense and insight in recognizing you, and "Thanks. Your shirt today is really nice too!" is a way to show interest in the other person's style since they complimented your clothes or style.

A gives B a small gift. B responds with "You didn’t have to bother," "I didn’t do much," or "Why are you going to such trouble~?" However, these responses do not fully appreciate the giver’s feelings. B is either embarrassed not knowing how to accept the gift or focused only on their own feelings of guilt and burden for not preparing a gift. Such excessive modesty should be avoided. If it goes too far like in the above conversation, it can be interpreted as rejecting the other’s kindness.

We often underestimate and misunderstand the power of praise. Thoughts like "How much good can praise really do?" or "Won’t it make things awkward?" prevent us from fully utilizing praise’s positive effects. Researchers Erica Boothby from the University of Pennsylvania and Professor Vanessa Bohns from Cornell University revealed that people underestimate the positive effects of praise. They conducted an experiment where strangers gave short compliments like "Your shirt is pretty," and predicted the recipients’ reactions. What was the result? Surprisingly, those who received compliments were much happier than expected and felt far less discomfort or unpleasantness. This study proved there is no need to worry about praise backfiring.

Next time you collaborate with others or are asked to do something, before saying "No," try to see if you can use the phrase "~then it’s possible." Practice finding alternatives that specify under what conditions, when, and how something is possible, and respond positively. For example, instead of saying "No, I can’t," say "I can start as soon as the materials arrive." Also, if a colleague asks for help with a meeting but your schedule conflicts, rather than simply refusing with "I don’t think I can," say "I can help prepare for the meeting, but I have a meeting at 2 PM."

When refusing, it’s better not to use vague expressions like "later" or "maybe." Avoid unnecessary promises like "I’ll definitely next time" made out of momentary guilt. Also, skip long and elaborate explanations, and end with words of gratitude and empathy such as "Thank you for understanding" or "I’m sorry I can’t join you." (Omitted) Refusal is a choice considering your time and ability, not a problem in the relationship. Saying "No" to others is saying "Yes" to yourself. Also, being able to say a clear "No" when you don’t have the capacity allows you to say "Yes" willingly when you can help. To do this, you need to build relationships where refusals can be exchanged more lightly than now.

When you feel envious of others and relatively lacking, try using 'speech that reveals your true feelings.' This means expressing yourself so that your heart and words align. Consistent conversation means instead of belittling others with phrases like "Everyone goes to graduate school, right?" you honestly express your feelings and desires like "I’m envious," "I want to go too, please help me later." By expressing your heart sincerely like this, your goals become clear, and you can naturally draw support from others. Practice 'speech that reveals your true feelings':
- You did it first. I’m really envious.
- I want to achieve it too.
- Lucky you~ Please tell me how you did it.

Why Do My Words Cause Misunderstandings? | Written by Kim Yunna | Namueui Maeum | 348 pages | 19,500 KRW