[A Sip of Books] Children Who Cannot Distinguish Between 'Suchi' and 'Changpi'

Editor's NoteSome sentences encapsulate the entire content of a book, while others instantly resonate with the reader’s heart, creating a connection with the book. We excerpt and introduce such meaningful sentences from books.

This book meticulously organizes the world of 35 emotions that children never ‘say’ to their parents and thus are not easily visible on the surface. It delicately portrays what children feel and how, how their emotions differ from those of adults, and where these origins lie. The authors consistently point out that fundamental human emotions such as anger, sadness, rage, anxiety, fear, and boredom are excessively treated as ‘bad emotions’ by most parents. They argue that this approach actually causes children to hide their emotions from their parents or grow up as beings awkward at self-expression. The book also reveals that over 90% of adults experiencing emotional difficulties stem from the emotional examples set by their parents during childhood and adolescence. Therefore, it emphasizes the need for parents’ delicate attention not only to prevent situations from worsening into ‘problematic behaviors’ but also to help children maintain emotional balance necessary for life, such as self-esteem and self-efficacy. It introduces proper parental attitudes and useful coping methods according to situations.

Young children’s altruistic love is unconditional and can seem close to self-sacrifice. (At least initially) they fall into deep trust and appear blind. Fundamentally, children identify themselves with the person they love, think from their perspective, understand, acknowledge, and are ready to forgive. (Although the chance of mistakes is somewhat high) children have the ability to sense the expectations of the person they love and are fully prepared to meet those expectations. p.22 _Love

Children’s sense of belonging has distinct characteristics. It is rare for belonging to be a specific emotion. Usually, it is a feeling of comfort and happiness. However, belonging reveals its presence when it is threatened or about to disappear. When children are chased away, abandoned, or betrayed, or continuously ignored or receive no response to their efforts, belonging breaks or disappears. Also, belonging is threatened when a child differs from others in their peer group, is smarter or perhaps more talented, sensitive, slow, or more easily excited than others. p.35 _Belonging

The word boredom can hide other complex emotions. Boredom is sometimes a specific and identifiable emotion and often an emotion in the process of shifting between understanding and other interests. However, mostly boredom can be understood as a mood. A mood is less clear than an emotion, harder to grasp, and operates more broadly. p.53 _Boredom

Parents often overlook the meaning of this sense of betrayal that children feel. Sometimes they try to comfort the child with phrases like “It’s no big deal” or “It’s not that serious,” attempting to downplay the seriousness. But such attempts do not help; rather, they worsen the situation. They intensify the feeling of betrayal and make the child feel alone. As a result, this can seriously hinder the child’s attitude toward forming relationships with others. People who feel betrayed or have been left alone with such feelings for a long time tend to distrust others. p.61 _Betrayal

The particularly complex and negative aspect of shame is that it initially feels like natural embarrassment (being ashamed). The person involved finds it difficult to separate or distinguish these two. When explaining this difference to children, it is good to use language and examples they can understand. Natural embarrassment and shame, which initially feel the same, eventually produce very different outcomes. Shame usually leaves a bad aftertaste and discomfort. If shame is repeated or widespread, it shakes the very foundation of the child. p.84 _Embarrassment

Various signs, the child’s life, and so-called various disorders seen in behavior are markers revealing the helplessness and difficulties children experience. They are also cries for help. Even if children can no longer express themselves verbally, as adults, we must carefully listen to these cries for help and extend a helping hand. p.92 _Helplessness

Although longing, like other emotions, is irrational from a logical perspective, it is consistent and meaningful. The longing a child feels cannot and should not be logically evaluated or explained in terms of this or that. Rather, it is much more effective to take the child’s longing seriously, find out what triggered it, and discover what power and desire lie hidden in that longing. p.124 _Longing

Self-efficacy is the feeling that one can produce an effect because of oneself. It is the feeling of reaching someone and being able to change something. Most people have this feeling and believe they can definitely exert influence. However, when this feeling disappears, it greatly affects self-awareness and recognition of self-worth. “I am worthless. I can do nothing,” “I am incompetent. I cannot accomplish anything.” When a child loses the feeling of self-efficacy, it not only worsens the child’s awareness of self-worth but also deeply imprints on their self-consciousness, which is their self-image. p.163 _Self-efficacy

Fear is an emotion that warns us to be cautious of uncertain and potentially threatening things and mobilizes all our body’s organs to function properly. Naturally, children cannot help but feel anxious. So if a child is not anxious or scared, that is actually more worrying and frightening. A child who has nothing left to fear and nothing left to lose is a child who has lost the ability to feel fear and fright. This attitude in a child is a continuous result of neglect, contempt, and devaluation they have experienced in life. p.171 _Fear

The emotions connected to learning for children are unfortunately fears of punishment, fears of failure, and fears of being scolded for poor grades. As already described regarding brain function and emotions, all information received by each neuron is connected to emotions and occurs under the involvement of the limbic system. It is an undisputed fact that learning is connected to emotions. From this perspective, what parents are most curious about is what emotions are involved in learning, that is, how emotions can promote learning. p.218 _The feeling of ‘being useful’ promotes learning

The quality of gaze is therefore important. A gaze can contain neglect or respect, shamefulness or seriousness. Sometimes, without speaking or changing gestures or facial expressions, a single gaze can punish a child and emotionally silence them. Conversely, it can give courage to a child and breathe vitality into life. p.225 _‘Relational experiences’ determine a child’s joys and sorrows

Children’s Emotions | Udo Baer & Gabriele Frick Baer | Translated by Kim Hyunhee | 284 pages | 17,000 KRW