[How About This Book] Silence Is Golden, but Good Words Repay a Thousand Nyang Debt

[Asia Economy Reporter Seomideum] Silence is golden. It is said that staying quiet can help you avoid trouble, but speaking out often leads to mistakes. Among the ten sins spoken of by Buddha, four are related to speech. First, lying; second, sowing discord and gossip; third, abusive and harsh language; and fourth, cunningly deceiving others with words. Speech is often compared to spilled water, as once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. Although there is room for damage control, the cost is high, so sometimes it is better to keep silent.

However, giving up on speaking is not an option. Silence is golden, but a well-spoken word can repay a thousand debts. Against this backdrop, a famous author known for writing lectures now introduces how to speak effectively. The author fills the palette of information-delivery ‘lectures’ with the paint of persuasion and empathy in ‘speeches.’ The author emphasizes that whether speaking or writing, listening must come first. "People open their ears to those who speak well, but they open their hearts to those who listen well." Before speaking, the author advises summarizing the other person’s words, understanding their intentions, and thinking about what to say while responding affirmatively. Such practice allows one to speak with empathy.

According to the author, several steps are necessary to speak well. First, a trigger is needed. In the author’s case, missing the chance to speak in front of a girl he liked as a child and a teacher’s comment in his school record interpreting his reticence as ‘lack of sociability’ served as triggers. Next is motivation. Even if one feels the need to speak due to a trigger, without internal motivation to act, it is useless. For the author, the motivation was the movie The King’s Speech. The story of King George VI of England overcoming his stutter during World War II to deliver a moving declaration of war against Germany touched his heart. The author stresses that finding one’s own motivation is the first step.

Next, the author advises establishing a ‘purpose’ for what to achieve or gain through speech, building ‘self-esteem’ to overcome fear of failure or excessive greed, creating frequent ‘opportunities’ to speak, and ultimately reaching a state of enjoying speaking.

The author likens speaking to ‘describing.’ Whether knowledge, experience, or concepts, description is an effective method to persuade or help others understand through speech. The author advises that instead of simply saying ‘I was angry,’ it is more effective to say something concrete like ‘That person stood up from the seat, kicked the chair, and raged wildly.’ Also, speak as if the listener can see, hear, and touch what you describe. For example, instead of ‘The skin is smooth,’ say ‘The skin is like silk?flawless, pale, and even the fine hairs are translucent.’

The importance of precise word choice considering subtle differences is also emphasized. For instance, using similar words correctly such as ▲bubun (part) and bumun (sector), ▲gongtong (common) and gongdong (joint), ▲pajang (wavelength) and pamun (ripple), ▲yangseong (positive) and yukseong (nurturing), ▲tongji (notification) and tongbo (announcement), ▲paegi (discard) and pagi (abolish), ▲gonok (embarrassment) and gon-yok (hardship) enables high-level communication.

Proper use of Korean also elevates speaking skills. Avoiding Japanese loanword remnants embedded in everyday language is part of this. For example, words derived from Japanese such as ‘girasung’ (a constellation of stars), ‘jangbonin’ (the main culprit), and ‘ilgagyeon’ (expertise) are better avoided. The phrase ‘Have a good day’ is also discouraged because a person cannot literally ‘be’ a day; instead, ‘I hope you have a good day’ is appropriate. The author says, even if called a ‘kkondae’ (old-fashioned person), it cannot be helped: "Words must be precise. Boldness is not something to boast about. Small differences determine the dignity of speech."

Speaking also helps with self-dialogue. For example, the author experienced difficulty studying in his senior year of high school because he felt as if someone was watching him from behind. The imagined gaze distracted him, and trying to ignore it made him short of breath and unable to concentrate. Teachers dismissed it as a trivial ‘senior year syndrome,’ and hospital tests found nothing wrong. The clue was found in a neuropsychiatric clinic. It turned out that the experience of living as a lodger in someone else’s house during school years was a big wound. The author recalled a harsh lady who turned off the light while the author was studying alone and said, "Why leave the light on when everyone else is asleep? The electricity bill will go up." Though late, in counseling, the author exclaimed, "Don’t you see me as a person? Why do you turn off the light? Would you do that even if you were my mother?" After that, the obsession disappeared. The author calls this the ‘excretion effect,’ explaining, "Negative emotions are always ready to be released. Speaking provides the opportunity."

Different approaches to speaking depending on the listener also reduce generational gaps. The author says that for older generations, ‘empathy’ is important, while for younger generations, ‘honesty’ matters. When speaking with older people, using interjections like ‘Ah~’ or ‘Wow~’ (but beware of soulless backchanneling) and showing interest by repeating and asking back phrases like ‘Your son?’ or ‘Such a high position?’ can make for excellent conversations. On the other hand, younger generations value practicality and fairness, preferring straightforward speech rather than complicated or difficult language. Also, questions can be perceived as interference or meddling, so caution is advised.

Although there are some differences in how to speak, the desire to be understood is the same. The author says, "We must have open and sincere conversations. This does not just mean speaking honestly. It means temporarily setting aside interests, listening to the other person, and trying to see the situation objectively." He explains, "The most desirable way to resolve conflicts is to build a culture of emotional empathy and mutual consideration."

In the End, It’s About Speaking by Kang Won-guk | The Cl | 260 pages | 17,000 KRW