[The World on the Page] If Parents Do Everything, What Is Left for the Child?

Helicopter Parenting and Gentle Nurturing:
The Widespread Side Effects of Overprotection in Child-Rearing
Children Lacking Social Growth
Struggle with Relationships and Emotional Regulation
Building Independence Through Adversity and Overcoming Hardships

Recently, there was an exam paper leak incident at a school in Andong, North Gyeongsang Province. A parent and a temporary teacher were caught trying to steal the test papers together. The temporary teacher had tutored the parent’s daughter when she was in middle school and later became her homeroom teacher in her first year of high school. The crime appears to have started at that time and continued for two years. The student, who had always ranked first in her class, scored 40 points in mathematics on an exam without the stolen test paper. Afterward, all her grades for the year were voided, and she was expelled. Her father is a doctor, and it is shocking to think that he resorted to such actions in an attempt to get his daughter into medical school.

According to Dutch anthropologist Arnold van Gennep, humans undergo rites of passage when transitioning from one stage of life to the next. These rituals take place whenever a person’s social status changes, such as at birth, entering school, coming of age, marriage, or death. Those undergoing the ritual must face appropriate trials and overcome them on their own to prove they are ready for the next stage of life. A child who skips this rite with the help of their parents, no matter how old they become, remains a ‘childish adult.’ They frequently whine over trivial inconveniences, quickly lose interest, and easily give up in the face of minor difficulties.

Overbearing parents ruin their children's lives. In the case of this female student, the perfect score obtained through dishonest means was, in reality, only worth 40 points. Furthermore, during the police investigation, the student said, “The exact same questions appeared on the test, so I thought it was strange, but I didn’t know what was wrong.” If a third-year high school student lacks even a ‘handful of morals’ to discern right from wrong, her life is already on the wrong track. It is regrettable, as she will now pay a steep price to get her life back on course.

Recently, bookstores have seen a surge in books emphasizing the importance of ‘appropriate frustration’ in children’s education. When parents remove every obstacle from their children’s paths and shield them from even the slightest discomfort or displeasure, children lack the ability to think for themselves, make judgments, and invent solutions. Most children who grow up without experiencing discomfort are neither truly talented nor intelligent, yet they become arrogant, believing they are the best.

In “Appropriate Frustration” (Jeonyeokdal), Kim Kyungil and Ryu Hanwook warn, “Parents who are excessively attached raise children with emotional obesity. People in this state collapse easily even after small failures, and due to a lack of autonomy and responsibility, they struggle to make decisions or act independently.” Children should not always walk a ‘flower path.’ A child who grows up without overcoming life’s challenges or navigating difficult relationships on their own cannot become a complete individual. Such people, even as adults, continue to rely on their parents’ affection and decisions, becoming ‘clingy’ individuals who are overly concerned about others’ opinions (‘timid ones’), or those who become easily angry when things do not go their way (‘anger-prone’).

Jonathan Haidt, a professor at New York University in the United States, says that ‘helicopter parenting’?where parents constantly hover around their children, monitoring and protecting them?undermines children’s autonomy and resilience. Children who grow up in their parents’ shadow, never experiencing the heat of the sun, struggle to overcome difficulties on their own. These children suffer from anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, and their lack of autonomy and independence makes it hard for them to adapt to society. As Sigmund Freud said, “Everything that is repressed eventually returns.” If parents block their children from experiencing pain and prevent them from entering the real world, the consequences will come back to haunt them as adults. In trying to help their children, parents end up ruining them.

In “Broken Children” (Woongjin Knowledge House), Abigail Shrier, a senior fellow at the Manhattan Institute for Policy Research, argues that “gentle parenting is ruining children.” Gentle parenting means raising children as ‘precious ones’ under the protection of their parents, without giving them opportunities to experience failure or make mistakes. Such children, when they leave their parents to enter college or society, easily fall into mental confusion. This is because the complex demands of society and the problems that arise hit them like an unprepared storm.

In the United States, since the mid-1990s, the principle of parenting has shifted from fostering children’s inner growth to ‘respecting or protecting their emotions.’ Even when children are not sick, ‘therapeutic language’ has replaced ‘moral language’ in child-rearing. The term “trauma” is overused, and parental overprotection has become commonplace. Even when children do wrong, parents simply understand and yield, vowing not to cause them any stress or frustration. They put hats on children to keep water out of their eyes during baths, and if the child dislikes sesame seeds on their hamburger, they remove them. It is like picking out the cucumber from kimbap for them every time.

The situation is even worse at schools. Teachers are no longer instructors who help students socialize by teaching them the norms and self-control of the community. Instead, they have become caretakers who must ensure that children’s feelings are not hurt in any way. Teachers are expected to tolerate students who get annoyed during class, cry or shout, and even those who insult or sexually harass them. All of this behavior is interpreted as a ‘cry for help’ from the students. If a teacher scolds a student, the parents come to school; if a student is reprimanded, it is reported as public humiliation in front of other students.

However, trying to raise children as ‘precious ones’ only turns them into ‘monsters.’ Overprotection prevents children from developing immunity to pain, so they grow up to be ‘glass-hearted’ adults who break down at the slightest frustration. Unprecedented parental love ultimately turns children into ‘empty-shell adults’ who cannot do anything on their own without their parents.

For children to become the masters of their own lives, they must be pushed into appropriate adventures and helped to build experience by facing adversity, failing, and getting back up again. The purpose of parenting is not protection or care, but growth and maturity. Parents cannot ride a bicycle for their child. To become skilled at riding, children must pedal on their own, wobble, fall, and sometimes scrape their elbows and knees as they practice repeatedly. They need to make troublesome friends, stand up to bullies, suffer from failed romances, and feel the thrill of climbing a precarious jungle gym. Just as high pressure and heat turn carbon into diamonds, only a mind tempered by great and small hardships can shine like a jewel. Shrier says, “We thought flowers bloomed best in sweet sugar powder. But flowers grow best in soil.”

Jang Eunsu, publishing culture critic