[One Sip of a Book] Children Emotionally Overfed by Excessive Love... Don't Praise Them This Way

Editor's NoteSome sentences encapsulate the entire content of a book, while others immediately resonate with readers and create a point of connection with the book. Here, we introduce such meaningful sentences excerpted from books.

It has been a long time since the term "helicopter mom" was coined to describe parents who hover around their children and make choices and decisions on their behalf. It is not uncommon to see parents directly involved not only in their children's college admissions but also in their employment and resignation. Some parents even contact professors directly about university grades or submit resignation letters on behalf of their children. Underlying this behavior is the parents' desire for their children to grow up unscathed and pure. However, the more this happens, the more children's autonomy and independence are undermined, making them prone to excessive reliance on others or to becoming easily angered. When psychological growth comes to a halt, the two authors?a cognitive psychologist and a child psychiatrist?analyze and diagnose this context.

Emotionally obese children are raised by parents with excessive attachment. Excessive attachment refers to parents or guardians being overly involved or protective, typically by interfering in or making decisions for every action, emotion, or choice of their child. The number of parents displaying such excessive attachment out of overwhelming love for their children is increasing, and as a result, more children are experiencing emotional obesity. Parents today need to set boundaries by prohibiting and not accepting certain things, but instead, they try to provide unlimited nourishment. From a developmental perspective, emotional nourishment that should have ceased at a certain stage continues for too long, resulting in emotional obesity and preventing the child from becoming independent as an individual. The problem is that excessive attachment becomes an obstacle to experiencing "optimal frustration." <pp. 29-30>

Eddie Brummelman, a professor at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, drew academic attention with his intriguing research showing that excessive parental praise can lead children into narcissism. He argued that when children frequently hear comparative praise such as "You do better than others," they feel pressured to put others down in order to maintain their own sense of superiority. On the other hand, when children receive recognition focused on their unique strengths, such as "I really like this about you," they learn the value of cooperation and togetherness rather than competition. This difference is not merely a matter of wording. Repeated comparative praise creates an atmosphere where people feel they must push each other aside to survive. Only when a culture of respecting individual value is established can trust and cooperation be built among people. A community that understands this difference moves forward together without bringing each other down. <pp. 198-199>

People become much warmer toward others when they are able to support themselves. According to research by positive psychologist Christopher Peterson, those who accept themselves as they are tend to be more forgiving of others' mistakes and are less likely to be shaken by conflict. If you can tell yourself, "It's okay," you gain the composure to smile at others and say, "That can happen." In the end, good relationships can be said to begin with the feeling that you are okay with yourself. <p. 270>

Optimal Frustration | Written by Kim Kyungil and Ryu Hanwook | Jeonyeokdal | 296 pages | 20,000 won