[Unable to Break Up Society] ① "Do We Have to Risk Our Lives to Break Up with Our Lovers?"... People Seeking 'Safe Breakups'

7,7150 Reports of Dating Violence Last Year
Up 57% from 4 Years Ago... 138 Dating Homicides
Experts Say "Control is a Precursor to Dating Homicide"

Editor's NoteOn average, 1.23 women per day. This is the number of women who were killed or nearly killed by their male partners last year. Many women in our society still live in fear, feeling their lives threatened by their partners. Experts emphasize the need to recognize the early signs of 'control desire' in the context of ongoing dating violence. Asia Economy will explore, in two parts, cases of dating violence that are difficult to recognize as violence and the necessary legal measures to prevent it.

"He would get furious if I didn't answer the phone immediately. On days when there was a company dinner, I had to strictly follow the set time to return home."

- From a counseling case at Korea Women's Hotline

Since the incident where a woman who broke up with her partner was killed on the rooftop of a building near Gangnam Station in Seoul, the issue of 'dating homicide' has been reexamined. Experts warn that dating homicides often start from minor controlling behaviors between partners, and many women neglect to seek help from professional organizations.

Counselors: "Controlling behavior is a precursor to homicide"

According to the National Police Agency on the 13th, the number of reported cases of dating violence last year was 77,150, an increase of about 57% compared to 49,225 cases in 2020, four years ago. Reports from January to March this year also reached 19,098 cases.

There are currently no official government statistics on dating homicides. According to a report released by Korea Women's Hotline based on media reports, last year, 449 women were victims of murder or attempted murder in intimate relationships (cohabitation, blind dates, chatting, transactional meetings, etc.). Among them, 138 were killed.

A representative from Korea Women's Hotline said, "This number only includes victims revealed through media reports," adding, "The actual number is expected to be much higher when including those not reported in the media."

Experts with experience counseling victims at the scene point to a strong 'desire for control' over the partner as a precursor to dating homicide. Those with strong controlling tendencies cannot tolerate their partner stepping outside their control, and when the control is completely broken, such as during a breakup, they feel extreme anger that can lead to murder. Kim Su-jeong, head of counseling at Korea Women's Hotline, explained, "Controlling behaviors can manifest in various ways between partners, such as checking phones or monitoring return times."

In fact, Kim Rea (26), who killed her partner after a breakup in Hwaseong City, Gyeonggi Province, last March and seriously injured his mother, frequently checked her partner's phone and monitored his contacts to control him. Regarding the recent case near Gangnam Station, criminal psychology expert Professor Lee Soo-jung of Kyonggi University analyzed the perpetrator, a medical student, as "someone with a strong desire for control not typically found in ordinary men."

Legislative researcher Heo Min-sook from the National Assembly Legislative Research Office said, "People with strong controlling tendencies cannot tolerate their partner leaving the area they can control," adding, "The moment when possessiveness and control weaken the most is at the time of breakup. They feel extreme anger at their partner's breakup notice."

"We break up for you"... Turning to private agencies

Dating homicides stem from various controlling behaviors between partners, but many female victims do not even consider reporting or visiting counseling centers. Because the violence is not directly physical or visibly injurious, many do not recognize it as dating violence and sometimes perceive it as care or affection.

A representative from a women's violence counseling center said, "One victim asked if her boyfriend's behavior was acceptable despite being in a difficult situation," adding, "Even after experiencing violence, many endure it believing the boyfriend's words, 'I'm doing this for you,' and eventually come to counseling only when they feel they can no longer live like this or after hearing from friends or acquaintances."

A male medical student in his 20s, accused of murdering his girlfriend with a weapon on the rooftop of a building near Gangnam Station, is attending a pre-arrest suspect interrogation (warrant hearing) at the Seoul Central District Court in Seocho-gu, Seoul, on the afternoon of the 8th.
[Image source=Yonhap News]

Given this situation, more people are turning to private agencies for 'safe breakups' instead of investigative agencies or professional counseling centers. After suffering long periods of obsession and control from their partners, they seek self-help measures such as breakup agencies.

On major internet portals and communities, posts like "Can you lend me 2 million won? Safe breakup method" and "Guidelines for a safe breakup" are easily found. Some breakup agencies advertised on portals claim, "We help the partner accept and give up the relationship through counseling with the male partner." Prices vary by region but generally range from about 50,000 to 150,000 won. A representative from a breakup agency said, "Due to the economic downturn, the number of users is not very high, but the number of consultations has definitely increased recently."

Experts advise that it is crucial to recognize that controlling behaviors between partners constitute emotional abuse and to seek help. Legislative researcher Heo said, "You must realize that saying things like 'I don't want you to meet those people' or 'Don't wear that outfit' is itself violence," adding, "If the perpetrator truly dominates the victim, physical violence may not even be necessary. The fact that a single word can make the victim tremble is a more serious problem."