[People Met Through Books] The Paradox That 'Middle-Aged People Living Alone Are Not Really Alone'

Middle-aged Make Up 37.6% of Single-Person Households
Increase in Unmarried Youth to Drive Future Growth
Marriage and Family Become 'Luxury Goods'
Solos Form Networks to Give and Receive Care
Most Urgent Need Is to Expand Care Scope
How About Care Leave for Friends and Neighbors?
'Solo = Deficiency, Loneliness, Pain' Is a Stereotype
Aging Solos Should Be Naturally Accepted

There was a time when marriage was considered a rite of passage in life. Meeting a partner, building a family, having children, and living happily was regarded as an ordinary life. People living alone were often labeled with “Is there something wrong with them?” and when no fault was found, the question “Then why on earth?” lingered around. However, times have changed, and so have circumstances. Dating, marriage, and childbirth have come to be seen not as necessities but as matters of choice. It has become common to see single-person households.

However, the author of Aging Solo diagnoses that social understanding of single-person households is still lacking. He points out that the analysis attributing the main cause of middle-aged single-person households to divorce is overly simplistic. His argument is that middle age has been marginalized in solo discourse, overshadowed by youth and old age. Having lived solo for 20 years, the author interviewed 19 unmarried women in their 40s and 50s, challenging the commonly accepted notion that “being alone when old is lonely,” which is often treated as a ‘truth.’ He discussed the topic of middle-aged “aging solo” (aging alone) with Kim Hee-kyung (56), former Vice Minister of Gender Equality and Family.

-Your book Strange Normal Family, published six years ago, received significant attention and seems to have brought about considerable change.

▲I am very pleased to have contributed, even if modestly, to the abolition of parental disciplinary rights over children in civil law. I vividly recall the joy when, in 2019, the government’s inclusive child policy included a plan to review disciplinary rights for the first time, and the responsible official thanked me, saying it was thanks to Strange Normal Family appropriately pointing out the issue. When I was involved with a children’s rights organization in 2014, I raised the issue that parents killing their children and then committing suicide should not be called ‘joint suicide,’ and I included this in Strange Normal Family. Seeing the social awareness of this issue spread afterward was very rewarding.

-Single-person households have increased significantly, and social perceptions seem to be changing. While solo life among youth and the elderly has been highlighted, middle-aged solo life has received relatively little attention.

▲When single-person household issues are covered in media or policy, the focus is usually on ‘proud singles’ centered on youth or ‘singles who need care’ centered on the elderly. When middle age appears, it is often depicted as people facing economic difficulties due to divorce or job loss, or as a newly emerging socially vulnerable group. Perhaps the most negatively perceived generation among single-person households is middle-aged people. However, middle-aged individuals make up a significant portion?37.6%?of single-person households. The trend of unmarried youth aging into middle age is increasing. People for whom living alone is not a transitional state but a basic life condition are facing the challenge of aging together.

-There seems to be a shift in social perceptions regarding marriage, pregnancy, and childbirth. Whereas marriage and childbirth were once considered the proper direction to pursue, now they seem more strongly regarded as choices.

▲Regardless of marital status, for our generation and even young women today, marriage and childbirth have become matters of choice rather than obligations. People no longer think they must do these things at a certain time but decide whether or not to do them at a time that suits their personal life schedule. I consider this progress. On the other hand, nowadays, it often feels like family formation through marriage is no longer a freely chosen option but almost a ‘luxury good’ for both men and women. It seems like a ‘luxury good’ that only those with certain conditions can approach because the risks involved are too high to pursue freely. I think this phenomenon, where family formation has become like a ‘risk,’ is unfortunate and a serious problem.

-Many areas require better change, and your book points out the misconception that ‘singles are lonely.’

▲The phrase “Living alone is good when young, but lonely when old” is probably the strongest stereotype about middle-aged singles. However, through interviews for writing the book, I found the opposite result. According to the survey, those who cited loneliness as a concern in ‘solo life’ were generally younger. For middle-aged singles with more experience living alone, loneliness was not a major issue. This does not mean they do not feel lonely, but they view loneliness as a basic condition of being human that everyone experiences, or they live within a network of relationships that prevents loneliness from turning into isolation.

-What other misunderstandings did you discover through your own experience or interviews during the writing process?

▲Paradoxically, I learned through the interview process that ‘singles do not live alone.’ Aging solos live alone, but no one lives entirely by themselves. They create and maintain networks around themselves in various ways, exchanging care. I observed a strong emphasis on self-care and mutual care.

-You criticized the simplistic assumption that the increase in middle-aged single-person households is due to divorce. What do you think is the reason for the rise in aging solos?

▲I believe middle age is the generation for which uniform descriptions fit the least among single-person households. It differs from unmarried youth or elderly widows/widowers. The number of single-person households reaching middle age without marriage is steadily increasing, and experiences related to marriage?divorce, separation, bereavement?are diverse. Moreover, since today’s youth prefer remaining unmarried much more than before, the scale of middle-aged single-person households will continue to grow. According to a 2020 family survey by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, 52.9% of people in their 20s and 42.7% in their 30s agreed with living alone without marriage. We can predict that the number of aging solos living alone will continue to rise.

-Is there a correlation with income level?

▲The increase in unmarried individuals is largely influenced by the rise in women’s social participation and economic power. In the past, it was commonly believed that among women, unmarried status was more common in highly educated, high-income groups, while among men, it was more common in low-education, low-income groups. However, this no longer seems strictly true. As I mentioned earlier, family formation through marriage has become a ‘luxury good’ that is difficult to attempt easily and requires certain conditions. Since there has been little change in the gender structure within families where women still bear most caregiving responsibilities, I think unmarried status is increasing across almost all income levels.

-What efforts do you think are necessary to keep pace with these changes?

▲I believe the most urgent need is to broaden the scope of caregiving. For example, our society limits family caregiving leave to legal family members only. In many major countries, including the United States, the definition of family is expanded in caregiving-related matters. In Sweden, for instance, if you care for a very close person with a serious illness, you can receive benefits, and ‘very close person’ includes friends and neighbors, not just blood relatives or in-laws. In Korea, there are already over one million non-kin households living with friends or partners who are not family. Expanding caregiving to allow intimate non-family members to care for each other would benefit the nation and could be a breakthrough to flexibly broaden the narrow and rigid concept of family.

-You did not focus much on solo men’s cases. Is there a particular reason?

▲I thought that unlike women, men in our society are less likely to be treated as problematic or deficient simply because they are unmarried. Still, I somewhat regret not including more cases involving both men and women. Although briefly cited in the book, there is research showing that middle-aged men living alone, after controlling for social and economic factors, experience a positive effect on subjective happiness from living as a single-person household.

-What changes do you hope to see through this book?

▲I hope there will be a change in the existing stereotype that aging solos, who have departed from the traditional family model, lead deficient, lonely, and difficult lives. It is just one of many ways of living. My wish in writing this book was for aging solos to be seen as ordinary and natural, not peculiar.