[Namsan Ddalggakbari] Obsession, Stalking, and Infidelity: Another Name for 'Relationship Addiction'

[Asia Economy Reporter Seomideum] There are countless addictions. The most representative are drugs and alcohol. These are just a small part of addiction, merely a subset of substance addiction. Addiction also includes relationship addiction, not just substances. Some may question whether relationship addiction can truly be classified as addiction, but relationship addiction might pose even greater risks than substance addiction.

Park Su-kyung, a psychological counselor and author of Relationship Addiction, says, "People always want to fill existential crises, loss, and the emptiness of existence. However, they cannot find the object to fill this void, and even if they find it, they cannot possess it." She explains, "They try to fill the emptiness with substitutes, but the desire that is rarely satisfied amplifies into dissatisfaction." This is also why the philosopher Lacan said, "There is no sexual relationship." It means that the sex we long for in fantasy does not exist in this world.

This kind of deficiency manifests as addiction. Addiction is broadly divided into substance addiction and behavioral addiction. Substance addiction refers to being addicted to specific substances such as alcohol, drugs, or tobacco. Sleeping pills and psychotropic substances also fall under this category. On the other hand, behavioral addiction refers to addiction to specific behaviors that are invisible, such as gambling or sex. Relationship addiction is also a type of behavioral addiction.

There are three main reasons why relationship addiction can be considered a type of behavioral addiction. First, like substance addiction to alcohol or drugs, relationship addiction clearly involves craving and dependence on a person or a specific relationship. Second, just as hands tremble or concentration falters when quitting alcohol, withdrawal symptoms inevitably occur whenever one tries to artificially stop craving relationships. Third, ultimately, the individual cannot control or regulate this craving, causing significant disruption to daily life.

Relationship addiction is broadly divided into love addiction, sex addiction, and person addiction. Love addiction is "loving to fall in love," deriving satisfaction from the feeling of love. In contrast, sex addiction loves sex itself and accepts the notion that sex is equivalent to love. Person addiction obsessively loves a specific individual, with a strong tendency to control or be controlled by the partner.

In the early stages of relationship addiction, one becomes obsessed with masturbation, watching pornography, or prostitution; in the middle stages, with adultery and rape; and in the late stages, with perverse sexual behaviors such as incest or child sexual abuse.

The biggest reason for falling into relationship addiction is low inferiority complex. In reality, a woman Y with severe inferiority was always passive in relationships. She spent her part-time job earnings to buy a laptop for her boyfriend and covered all expenses for an overseas trip to celebrate graduation. She paid the monthly rent for her boyfriend’s study room and his living expenses while he prepared for a civil service exam. Despite having two abortions due to unexpected pregnancies, her boyfriend eventually left her for a woman eight years younger whom he met at the exam academy. Still, Y did not blame the man, believing the breakup was due to her own shortcomings. Around that time, Y had an inappropriate relationship with a married male boss, who explained, "He was the first man who told me he liked me, so I just allowed it." This is a typical case of relationship addiction characterized by obsession with relationships.

The inappropriate addictions of men and women differ. According to the author, men tend to immerse themselves in work, affairs, or clubs, while women tend to seek comfort for their difficulties and emotions from other men rather than their husbands. For women, sex with their husbands is not important; they only need the attention and information of the other man who comforts their troubled heart. The author explains, "The pleasure for women is having that good feeling and engaging in sexual behavior with another man as a form of comfort." "When a woman has sex with a lover, it is merely relationship addiction caused by emotional wounds that recognize attention and comfort as information."

Sex addicts experience rapid frustration and helplessness after sex. They feel ashamed of their repeated irrational behavior and experience self-hatred and depression again. One sex addict said, "It is scarier than drug addiction. It is like carrying a drug needle inside your body."

Cyber sex addiction is even more frightening than offline sex addiction. It is based on the idea that one can enjoy sex more healthily(?) without the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, thus easily satisfying sexual desire. The author points out, "Watching pornography, which starts casually, often harms healthy marital relationships, increases the risk of separation and divorce, and frequently leads to actual affairs or prostitution." In fact, a study in the United States found that over 60% of those who continuously watched pornography acted out their sexual fantasies in real life.

So how should one control their mind? The author says, "Treatment for relationship addiction starts with acknowledging that you are addicted to a specific relationship, person, or sex." It means recognizing the fact that "I have these feelings" and expressing those emotions. This does not mean acting on emotions but managing oneself based on the fact that negative emotions cause pain. The author advises, "If you feel pain in a relationship, the remedy to stop that pain can also be found within your own mind," and "By acknowledging that you are a victim of relationship addiction, you can escape the swamp of distorted relationships."

Relationship Addiction | Written by Park Su-kyung | Gayeon | 18,000 KRW