[W Forum] Happy People Do Not Torment Others

Writer Kim Su-young

Is there someone around you who seems desperate to get at you whenever they see you? Is there someone who bursts into rage and becomes blinded by anger every time they see you? If you are suffering or have suffered because of someone, try to think of that person once. Were they happy? The answer would be "No."

Children who grow up abused are more likely to bully or torment other children than those who grow up receiving abundant parental love. Unless they are psychopaths, people who are recognized at work and maintain good relationships with their families are less likely to verbally abuse or physically harm their subordinates. In a way, the victim becomes the perpetrator, continuing a vicious cycle of violence that turns other vulnerable people into victims. At this time, the important thing is to focus more on yourself so that emotions like anger, resentment, and obsession do not consume you, rather than being swept away by their negative words or energy.

You don’t need to try hard to understand or forgive them, but you must not be manipulated by them. In other words, you should not let such insignificant people trample on your life. Ideally, it’s best to keep such people at a distance, but if that’s not possible, don’t waste energy hating or resenting them; instead, seek active solutions. First, when having a conversation, never respond emotionally or blame them. Take a deep breath and calmly say, "Manager, are you angry with me right now? I don’t think there’s a reason to be angry," to clarify the situation, which will likely make the other person feel awkward. Maintain a composed expression and speak in as objective a tone as possible, saying, "I already mentioned that the proposal would be delivered by 4 o’clock, so I don’t think there’s a need to get angry asking for it quickly." A reasonable person will flinch momentarily, apologize, and be more conscious the next time they get angry.

If that person still doesn’t change, look for ways to resolve the relationship. If they are your superior at work, politely request a consultation with their superior; if they are a teacher, talk to your parents or other teachers. However, you must be very cautious in this situation. Objective evidence to understand the situation is necessary. Above all, check whether you yourself are emotionally biased by seeking advice from those around you and writing down your thoughts to calmly organize your thinking.

When I worked at a company in the UK, there was a senior named Sally. Although she was not my direct superior, she treated me like a secretary, making me do menial tasks and repeatedly making me redo work capriciously. Moreover, she consistently used a sarcastic and attacking tone. The situation became so serious that I was in a bad mood more than once a week and couldn’t focus on other tasks, so I spoke to my boss. His response was: "Right now, Sally is struggling with several important projects, so wouldn’t it be better for junior Suyeong to help her? Let’s help Sally for the sake of the whole team and talk again once those projects are finished." I was disappointed by his answer but decided to finish the projects we were assigned together quickly and helped her as much as possible.

Then, during a restructuring of our division, I was promoted to category manager responsible for $8 million in sales, and her position changed to handling brand tasks I requested. The boss had not forgotten that I prioritized teamwork as he wanted rather than just complaining. Later, I accidentally found out that she was lying about her age. Although she was the same age as the boss at 35, she claimed to be 31. I felt sorry for her, as she had been pushing those around her due to a complex about being treated much lower under a peer boss and an obsession with wanting to be recognized quickly.

When you take a step back and look objectively, they are pitiful people. Life is only once, so isn’t it sad to live foolishly by tormenting yourself and those around you? Let’s demote such people from the starring role in the movie called my life to extras. Then, focus on the wonderful story of the movie called my life. What kind of story do you want your life to follow?

Writer Kim Suyeong