Parents Broken by Guilt... "I'm Just Grateful to Be Alive" [Cheongnyeon Gorip 24si]

<After the Report>
Living as the Mother of a Reclusive Youth
Joo Sang-hee, Representative of the Korea Reclusive Youth Parents Association

Editor's NoteWhen eating alone after work, having hundreds of contacts saved on your phone but no one to confide in when things get tough, being unable to ask for help when you are sick or have no money... The young people in their 20s and 30s whom Asia Economy met confessed that they felt isolated in such moments. Could this be your story? If you have thought that words like 'hikikomori' or 'reclusive loner' are stories from a different world, now is the time to properly reconsider isolation and seclusion.

When I asked my son, "It's Parents' Day, don't you have anything?" he just said, "I don't know." Honestly, I don't even need a carnation. I'm just grateful that he's alive."

Joo Sang-hee (62), who has been embracing her son who has been living in seclusion for 14 years after dropping out of college, contacted us first saying she wanted to share the story of parents of isolated and reclusive youth after reading Asia Economy's [Youth Isolation 24 Hours] series published from the 4th of this month. She introduced herself as a mother protecting her son who was once almost lost to seclusion, and as the representative of the Korea Hikikomori Parents Association (Parents Association), dedicating her efforts to raising awareness about ways to protect and support reclusive loners.

Joo Sang-hee, representative of the Korea Association of Parents of Hikikomori, is sharing her experiences during an interview at a cafe in Seodaemun-gu, Seoul. Photo by Heo Young-han

In an interview with this paper on the 9th, Representative Joo first spoke about the 'guilt' felt by parents of reclusive youth. She described herself as a 'bad mother,' 'workaholic mother,' and 'company person.' She believed that one of the causes of her son's seclusion was the lack of an attachment relationship with his parents.

"Every morning at 7 a.m., I would wake up my son who hadn't even gotten up yet, tell him 'I prepared your meal,' and then go to work. I was such a workaholic mother that I never even attended his entrance or graduation ceremonies until he graduated. From the child's perspective, how severe must my absence have been."

Oh Jae-ho, a research fellow at the Gyeonggi Research Institute's Local Administration Research Office, pointed out in a report last February that the increase in dual-income parents and the resulting weakened caregiving environment are causes of the rise in reclusive youth. He diagnosed that children spending more time alone, combined with the spread of computers and the development of delivery culture, created optimal conditions for seclusion.

Representative Joo began cooperative activities with domestic and international organizations supporting hikikomori, such as K2 International, in 2016 while caring for her reclusive son. Then, in 2019, she quit her job as a tour guide and established the Parents Association in January 2020. She now spends most of her time leading solidarity among parents of reclusive loners.

From a parent's perspective, it is not easy to accept the fact that their child is reclusive. Representative Joo also confessed that it took her several years to accept that her son was a hikikomori. She recalled, "I used to live with pride, thinking I was in the top few percent in South Korea, but when my son started to seclude himself, I thought my life was falling apart and found it hard to accept reality." She added, "Many other parents of reclusive youth gathered in the Parents Association are teachers, public officials, or hold other social statuses, and from a parent's perspective, since they believe they have educated their children well, it is hard to accept that their child is secluded."

Joo Sang-hee, representative of the Korea Hikikomori Parents Association, is giving an interview at a cafe in Seodaemun-gu, Seoul, talking about her book based on her own experiences, I Am a Hikikomori Mom. Photo by Heo Young-han

The greatest fear of parents of reclusive youth is 'social stigma.' The Parents Association has about 900 members active through an online community, but only about 50 parents reveal themselves offline. Representative Joo expressed concern that parents who carry heavy worries are also at risk of falling into the blind spots of isolation and seclusion, as those active online are extremely cautious about revealing their real names or faces.

Korean society has an environment where if a child locks themselves in their room, the parents also tend to feel guilt over their failure in parenting or become isolated themselves, sinking together. This reflects the social characteristic where a child's achievements in college admission or employment are interpreted as the parents' achievements. The longer the child's seclusion lasts, the more the parents are affected. This is also why Representative Joo and members of the Parents Association study psychology and consistently hold reading and self-help meetings. Representative Joo said, "I've read almost every psychology book available," and "Two members of the Parents Association are currently pursuing master's degrees in psychology."

"When my son was in his mid-20s, I had hope that he would recover soon. But after he turned 30, I became very anxious thinking, 'What if he can't participate in society like this?' and 'If he can't go out into the world, I will have to carry him for life.' That brought despair again. Parents' feelings are really indescribable. It's very hard."
"The most basic emotion of parents with hikikomori children is guilt. They think they have failed in raising their child. The reason I hold reading meetings with parents is to communicate among ourselves and eliminate guilt. In most families, when a child becomes reclusive, the mother also breaks down. Parents need to become strong. Mothers need resilience. Some mothers realize the reality and become ill. There was even a mother who developed depression and refused to contact me for 2-3 years."

The Korea Hikikomori Association holds a monthly self-help meeting for parents with children who are socially withdrawn. [Image provided by Korea Hikikomori Parents Association]

This year, the government has taken the first step in projects for isolated and reclusive youth. Last year, it conducted the first-ever survey on the actual conditions of isolated and reclusive youth. Representative Joo, who has been raising her voice on the issue of hikikomori for nine years since her son's seclusion, said she is more than anyone pleased that the government is stepping up to support isolated and reclusive youth and that social attitudes are changing. She emphasized 'outreach'?active discovery and support?as the most important aspect of hikikomori support projects. She explained, "True hikikomori do not come out of their rooms, so it takes at least a year just to open the door to visit them. Since it takes at least 4-5 years for social reintegration, it is necessary to actively find and help them early."

"It is encouraging that society is changing. In the past, there were many Japanese-style prescriptions that did not fit our country's circumstances or guidelines from non-experts who did not even understand the basics of psychology. Now that the government is stepping in, it is welcome. But honestly, parents are more urgent. We hope the government's support projects continue long-term. Nonprofit organizations have no profit, so it is hard to sustain long-term. National support is absolutely necessary."

Representative Joo advised parents of reclusive children that they do not need to force their children into the molds set by society. She emphasized, "Usually, parents or teachers think a school diploma is necessary, but I tell them not to do that. There are GEDs and alternative schools, many options, so do what causes the least stress for the child. We need a social atmosphere that pursues diversity."

Representative Joo's son is currently practicing social reintegration by working a night part-time job at a convenience store for nine months. While this may seem ordinary to others, it requires great courage for a reclusive youth who fears leaving the house. At first, he was fired repeatedly after one week, then one month, then three months. What encouraged him was the store manager's support. Representative Joo said, "The manager of a convenience store in Hongje-dong, Seodaemun-gu, Seoul, told my son, 'Thanks to you, I can sleep soundly.' My son gained courage from those words," and added, "His goal now is to complete one year of work."

Above all, Representative Joo stressed the importance of the media's role. She said there is a need to renew the negative image of hikikomori. She said, "There are too many negative images about hikikomori. It would be great if the media covered more positive images. Please spread the word."

Check your level of loneliness and risk of social isolation

- Loneliness and Social Isolation Scale

https://www.asiae.co.kr/en/list/project/2024050314290051322A

If you want to read the 'Youth Isolation 24 Hours' articles

<1>Youth isolated and reclusive people Asia Economy met
① I am a 28-year-old isolated youth... "A being who cannot fulfill a single role"
② Isolation caused by employment... A day spent without saying a word all day
③ Harder than parenting is having no one to talk to... That's how depression came
④ Eating instant rice and ramen for 3 years and playing games all day... Emotional instability worsens eventually

<2>2024 Isolation Awareness Survey
① 6 out of 10 say "I feel lonely"... Complaints of relationship breakdown and deprivation pain
② "Feeling alone at work"... 1 in 2 office workers say "Isolation has worsened"

<3>Youth isolated and reclusive people seen from the side
① 'Corona class' is at risk... This year's flood of counseling calls
② Traces left at the end of isolation... "I want to see mom and dad, I'm sorry"

<4>Reasons for isolation and social costs
① No job, no friends... The only thing in hand is a smartphone
② Economic loss over 11 trillion won... If neglected, the nation will also 'shake'

<5>Limitations of Korea's three no-policy
① No control tower and 213 local ordinances 'all over the place'
② Solving 540,000 isolated and reclusive youth with 32 people? ... Lack of budget, manpower, and research
③ Bitter end of copying Japan... Youths calling for Korean-style policies

Parents broken by guilt... "I'm just grateful they're alive"