The author says that self-esteem and inferiority complex are two sides of the same coin. People with high self-esteem maintain positive relationships with others and, even if they find themselves lacking compared to others, they do not belittle or blame themselves for it. Conversely, people with low self-esteem fear revealing their true selves to others and constantly find their shortcomings, suffering from persistent inferiority complex. The author advises that self-esteem, or self-respect, depends not on the objective conditions one has but on the perspective one holds toward oneself. The author asserts that self-esteem does not develop by being recognized but starts with accepting oneself as is, and without this, one cannot love others. Instead of striving to become a better person, the author advises accepting oneself as worthy of love just as one is.
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People who think poorly of themselves tend to interpret others’ actions or words as rejection or criticism directed at them. They assume that those around them also think negatively of them. They wonder how others could like this unlikable, imperfect self. Consequently, those who reject themselves constantly feel endangered, attacked, harmed, and hurt. As a result, they easily feel insulted, get emotionally hurt, and become prematurely discouraged and pained. - p.26, from Chapter 2, “What Happens When Self-Esteem Drops”
A child who feels unloved by their parents because of their behavior perceives the parents’ emotional rejection as a threat to their life. Thus, the child engraves the parents’ words in their heart and accepts the parents’ rules to avoid being rejected again.
This is how the inner critic is born. To avoid deprivation of love or punishment, children internalize what they must and must not do. Children say to themselves:
“You must not do that.”
“You must not say that.”
“That is bad.”
Therefore, when we make mistakes or behave undesirably, we scold ourselves just as our parents scolded us. - p.49, from Chapter 3, “Things That Lower Self-Esteem”
We foolishly believe that others’ love is proof that we are worthy of love. This is a fatal error. What happens if we lose others’ good evaluation? We return to feeling worthless and inferior. (Omitted) Constantly seeking validation is nothing but a sign of low self-esteem and inability to love oneself. If you are convinced that you cannot live without others’ recognition and love, you become greatly afraid that others will leave. This fear inevitably makes you a scapegoat and leads to dependence on others. When we feel inferior, we cannot truly love our partners and those around us because we are always trying to confirm love. If we reject ourselves, we cannot form genuine human relationships. - pp.103?104, from Chapter 4, “From Self-Respect to Self-Love”
The truth is that you are okay just as you are. It is okay to have mistakes and weaknesses. There is nothing in you that needs to be controlled or suppressed. You are a decent person and worthy of love. Making mistakes is not bad. Mistakes are not bad. Making mistakes does not make you a worthless person. Mistakes are part of the process of learning and growing. A baby learning to walk falls often at first. Is falling wrong? Does falling mean something is wrong with the baby? No. Falling is a natural part of learning to walk. - pp.116?117, from Chapter 5, “The Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?”
If the critic says to you, “You fool, failure. You always mess everything up,” respond with, “Okay, that’s your opinion. Yes, I make many mistakes. Everyone does. There’s no reason to blame me for that.” Or say, “I just like myself as I am,” or “Even if I am the dumbest person in the world, I like myself.” If the critic says, “Nobody likes you,” tell yourself, “Even if nobody likes me, I like myself. I love myself.” Or say, “It doesn’t matter. I like myself. Even if nobody likes me, I am worthy of love.” - p.164, from Chapter 7, “26 Exercises to Tame the Inner Critic”
Why Can’t I Love Myself | Written by Rolf Merkle | Translated by Yoo Young-mi | Saenggakui Nalgae | 220 pages | 17,500 KRW
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