[Power K-Women] Focus on Dreams Without Others' Gaze... There Is No Failure in Life, Only the Process

Book 'If I Could Live My Life Again' Popularity Surprising
Though Not Well Written, 'Sincerity' Seemed to Connect
Best Is Not Always the Answer in Life, Second Best Is Also an Opportunity
Focus on Dreams Without Comparison... There Is No Failure in Life

“If I were to live my life again / This time I would dare to make more mistakes / (...) I would not imagine worries that never happen” from Nadine Stair’s poem ‘If I Were to Live My Life Again’

Nadine Stair’s poem, which carries profound life insights drawn from experience, became widely known after being featured in the global bestseller Chicken Soup for the Soul, earning praise as the essence of aphorisms. Ram Dass, a former Harvard psychology professor and New Age author who deeply influenced Steve Jobs, revealed that he always carries this phrase with him. Dr. Kim Hyenam (63) is no exception. She confesses, “It felt like a confession of my own heart; it resembled me and resonated deeply.” That is why she named her book If I Were to Live My Life Again (Maven). The book is a record written by Dr. Kim while living with Parkinson’s disease. After being diagnosed with Parkinson’s at the age of 43 in 2001 and enduring a life upheaval, she wrote this legacy of realizations for those going through difficult times for various reasons. The intention to comfort those who are struggling and lonely has reached readers, and the book has attracted great interest. Originally published in 2015, the book regained attention with its revised edition released late last year and has maintained a top position on bestseller lists since then.

Surprised by the popularity of the book If I Were to Live My Life Again... Just sincere words

However, Dr. Kim expresses “surprise” at such a response. When we met at her home in Yeoksam-dong, Gangnam-gu on the 20th of last month, she said, “It’s something people might have heard at least once, and since human psychology and hearts are similar, it’s just a summary of nothing special, but people say they receive warm comfort from it,” showing a bit of embarrassment. Nevertheless, when the reporter said it was “writing that brings comfort from empathy,” she said if people feel that way, it is probably because her ‘sincerity’ was conveyed. She admitted she is not a good writer but tries to put sincerity into her writing. Indeed, sincerity is one of Dr. Kim’s distinctive traits. “When I was in the third grade of middle school, my teacher read my essay aloud in front of the class, saying, ‘It’s not an exceptionally well-written piece, but it’s full of sincerity.’”

Dr. Kim still dreams of writing a book that offers “life lessons and guidance for life’s direction” at a level she can be satisfied with. However, her condition has worsened to the point where writing is difficult, and even reading is a struggle. Writing for 30 minutes causes her to suffer for two days, and her nearly blind eyes due to cataracts and severe insomnia-related physical decline are obstacles. Still, she smiled and said, “Usually, after about 15 years of illness, dementia sets in and mobility is lost, but that’s not the case for me. Rather, my mind seems to be getting clearer.”

Kim Hyenam, a psychiatrist. Twelve years ago, she moved to her current home, seeking a place with a yard suitable for exercise and walking. She enjoys planting and tending to about twenty rose bushes that she likes. In summer, the garden visible in the back is embroidered with beautiful flowers. Photo by Dongju Yoon doso7@

It’s an illusion to think you can pioneer life by your own strength... The power to adapt to circumstances is important

Dr. Kim, who was once called a ‘superwoman’ for caring for her in-laws while juggling work, childcare, and household chores for 30 years, shakes her head and says, “That’s not true at all. I complained and struggled like everyone else and lived similarly.” She emphasizes that the “power to adapt to circumstances” was effective. She confesses, “At one time, I thought I could pioneer my life, but that was an illusion.” Marrying “the poorest man” at Korea University College of Medicine, enduring conservative in-laws’ scolding to “quit the hospital and take care of the house,” and the hospital’s male-dominated discrimination were not easy paths. She dreamed of being a superwoman who could handle given tasks effortlessly and pioneer situations, but in reality, she adapted to circumstances and went with the flow well.

That does not mean she advocates being swept away passively. She says, “You can’t always make the best choices in life. If it doesn’t work out, you can take the next best option.” She was deeply disappointed when she was pushed out of a university hospital because she was a woman, but she says that the smaller hospital where she worked afterward offered diverse experiences that led to greater results. Experiences such as psychodrama (drama therapy) at that hospital were a major factor in her choosing the path of psychoanalysis. Her husband, who was a poor student, is now a respectable hospital director running five specialized spine and joint hospitals.

Hye-nam Kim, a psychiatrist. She enjoys photography and once frequently captured water droplets in her photos. She also held an exhibition. There is a framed photo of water droplets on the fireplace behind her. Photo by Dong-joo Yoon doso7@

Society is indeed unfriendly to women, but a victim mentality doesn’t help... Prioritize values first

Dr. Kim also stresses a flexible attitude toward the social structure that is unfriendly to women. She advises that although women must endure unfairness and discomfort, falling into a ‘victim mentality’ causes more loss. Such negative emotions do not greatly help bring about real change. She recalls her past when she was overwhelmed by work and trapped in a victim mentality, for example, when she hurried to prepare dinner for her in-laws after work without even seeing her children’s faces. Reflecting now, she says, “Even if my mother-in-law got angry, I wish I had hugged my children first. Seeing their lovely faces is only until about eight years old. After that, they hardly come out of their rooms. That’s what I regret.”

Dr. Kim’s love for her children was special. Despite being busy with hospital work, she packed their lunchboxes herself, carefully preparing side dishes that were not typical, like fried foods. However, she did not pressure them to study because she wanted them to find their own success criteria beyond just getting into a good university. While it is natural to want to have a respectable appearance to show others, she taught her children to “make the best jajangmyeon if you make jajangmyeon, and polish the shiniest shoes if you polish shoes,” encouraging them to let go of comparison. Perhaps because of this, her son, who once caused her much worry, found his aptitude in investment and now works at an investment company. When asked about her son’s affection toward her, she smiled and said, “Everything has a balance of yin and yang. He jokingly scolds me, saying, ‘Why didn’t you make me study then? If you had, I might have done better.’”

Hye-nam Kim, Psychiatrist. Photo by Dong-joo Yoon doso7@

Focus on dreams without others’ gaze... There is no failure in life, only processes

If immersing oneself in what one wants to do after removing comparisons is part of happiness, then finding what one wants to do should come first. However, many wander because they cannot find it. Regarding those who do not know what they want or should do and pursue vaguely popular jobs, Dr. Kim says, “If you are happy chasing a popular job vaguely, that’s fine, but if it’s empty, I want to tell you to jump into what you wanted to do since childhood.” She means that just because it’s hidden by others’ gaze doesn’t mean you don’t have something you want to do. She also advises not to be obsessed with success. “Life is not lived to succeed. Not everyone can succeed. Life is just a process. There is no need to be frustrated or afraid,” she encourages.

There are many ways to realize this, but Dr. Kim especially emphasizes ‘stimulus control.’ She says, “(Modern people) live in a flood of stimuli but have no time to process it,” expressing concern that sensory development alone due to stimuli lowers the ability to view life objectively and logically.

When asked about her life goals going forward after giving advice about life through If I Were to Live My Life Again, she named ‘family’ without hesitation. “People who eat just to live are the most pitiful, and my husband is such a person. Work came first, and I neglected my family and myself, so my relationship with my husband is the most regrettable. At least these days, he is coming back home more. He started to talk about his feelings and listen to mine. I want to travel and spend a lot of time together. Looking back, when one door closes, another (life) door opens. So I hope to stop worrying and just live happily.”

Who is Dr. Kim Hyenam?

Born in Seoul in 1959, she graduated from Korea University College of Medicine and worked as a psychoanalysis specialist at the National Mental Hospital (now National Mental Health Center) for 12 years. She taught students as an adjunct professor at Kyung Hee University College of Medicine, Sungkyunkwan University College of Medicine, and Inje University College of Medicine, as well as a visiting professor at Seoul National University College of Medicine. She cared for patients as the director of Kim Hyenam Neuropsychiatry Clinic. Despite living a busy life as a psychoanalysis specialist, mother of two children, and daughter-in-law living with her in-laws, she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at the age of 43 in 2001 and has been living with the disease for 22 years. She has published numerous books, including the 800,000-copy bestseller Asking Psychology at Thirty and Psychology Answers Thirty-Year-Olds.