[A Sip of a Book] The Feeling When Someone You Cherish Is in Pain... Generosity Toward Your Own Life

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This is a psychological coaching guidebook that explores the mindset of perfectionism, which collapses easily even with small failures, and proposes "self-compassion" as an alternative. The author explains that in a society where mistakes and shortcomings are often seen as personal flaws, excessive self-criticism leads to anxiety, burnout, and diminished self-esteem. Rather than viewing perfectionism as a problem to be eliminated, this book guides readers to understand the true feelings hidden behind self-criticism and to accept themselves. It offers a step-by-step approach, from theories explaining the structure of perfectionism, to flexible thinking methods, to practical self-compassion techniques for restoring self-esteem. For those exhausted by achievement-oriented living, it provides a realistic path to becoming more generous with themselves.

Let’s recall the goals I currently have. How do they make me feel? Do I feel overwhelmed, stifled, or want to avoid even thinking about them? If so, it may be a sign that your goals need to be adjusted. What would those suffocating goals look like if they were made more realistic and flexible? What kind of goal would make you think, "This seems doable!"? Think of goals as being like brushing your teeth. Brushing your teeth is good for you. But we do not live just to brush our teeth. The same goes for goals. Goals exist for us; we do not exist to achieve goals. - p.27

The tendency toward perfectionism is not an individual’s fault. It is the result of innate temperament, upbringing, and inadequate collaboration in society. Unfortunately, however, the consequences of perfectionism end up as the individual’s responsibility. I believe that the key to changing this situation begins with asking the question, "What constitutes the value of a human being?" Is a person’s value determined by their achievements and others’ approval? Or does it stem from their very existence? If it is the former, then it is only natural to endlessly pursue higher standards and strive for achievement and recognition. But if it is the latter, it provides a foundation to believe that I have the right to live as myself. - p.66

How can we distinguish between thoughts and reality and correct cognitive distortions that do not help us? There are two methods I introduce in coaching. The first is to be aware in advance of the types of cognitive distortions frequently used by perfectionists. Simply knowing that the thought I am having is one of the common cognitive distortions among perfectionists can help in correcting it. The second method is to separately consider whether my thought is (1) realistic and (2) helpful. - p.75

For perfectionists, being a "60-point" version of themselves or having a "60-point" day can feel like a failure. But 60 points is more than half. If it’s 40 points, that’s more than two-thirds. If it’s just 1 point, at least it’s not zero. If you don’t practice acknowledging days when you score only 1 point, how will you ever recognize a 100-point day when it comes? If you look back on your career and feel like you have accomplished nothing, ask yourself: How does your career exist if you have never done anything right? How are you still here today if you did nothing? How were you able to notice and confront your desire to avoid things? Isn’t it true that the things that seem lacking now are only visible because there is so much that has already been filled? - p.84

The easiest way to understand self-compassion is to ask yourself, "How do I feel when someone I truly care about is in pain?" When I am asked this question, I think of my cat at home. I named her "Easy" in hopes that she would live comfortably in a tough world. If something bad happened to Easy or if she got sick, I would use every resource I have to take care of her. Extending this kind of warmth and compassion to yourself is what self-compassion is all about. - p.123

We all have a desire to live our lives well. Most self-criticism is proof of this desire. The criticism "I am pathetic" hides the wish "I want to find my value." The voice saying "I am lazy" carries the desire "I want to act on what I want." The reproach "I am selfish" contains the sense of responsibility "I want to build better relationships." We cannot become better people through self-criticism. However, through self-criticism, we can at least guess what kind of good person we wish to become. - p.177

Focusing on what I failed to accomplish today easily leads to self-criticism. Self-criticism does not motivate us. So instead, let’s focus on what we did achieve today. "How did I manage to stop looking at my phone and go to the library today?" "Just turning on my laptop was a good start." "They say starting is half the battle, and I have already done half." It is only by focusing on what you have achieved that you can repeat it. - p.214

No one can score 100 points in everything all the time. Even professional baseball hitters have batting averages in the .300s. Missing seven out of ten hits can still make you a top hitter. Professional hitters are never people who live carelessly. Yet, even they are not perfect. I hope we do not miss out on more important things by focusing only on doing things 100 percent. Among those important things, producing results matters, but as a psychologist, I believe that the process of working and daily life itself are even more important. - p.220

These days, instead of judging right and wrong or who did better or worse, I try to be kind. This is not because I am exceptionally good or mature, but because I am someone who makes an unusually large number of mistakes. I know that there have been countless people who, when working with me, overlooked my mistakes without saying a word. How many people have quietly overlooked my shortcomings so far? When I think of that, I feel a little more generous myself. - p.248

Why Am I So Troubled by Small Mistakes | Written by Lee Seohyun | Whale Book | 272 pages | 18,000 won