"Why Is My Mother-in-Law Family?"...Fiancee Refuses Birthday Greeting Text Request

Sharing Concerns in a Workplace Community

A man who asked his fianc?e, who is scheduled to marry in October, to send a birthday congratulatory message to his mother, but received a reply saying "I won't do proxy filial piety," is now troubled over whether to break off the engagement.

Mr. A posted on the anonymous workplace community Blind on the 31st of last month, seeking others' opinions with the title, "I told my fianc?e to send a text message on my mother's birthday, but she called it proxy filial piety and we had a huge fight. Did I do something wrong?"

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According to Blind, Mr. A has a girlfriend with whom he had a formal meeting (sang-gyeon-rye) in February this year and plans to marry in October. He explained, "Since the formal meeting, I have never met or contacted my parents even once," and said, "I asked my girlfriend if she could just send a text or KakaoTalk message to congratulate my mother on her birthday this Friday."

The girlfriend refused, saying, "I'm going to visit her on Friday, so why would I do that?"

Mr. A insisted again, "Still, it would be nice to contact her in advance. We're going to be family."

Then the girlfriend said, "Family? How is your mother my family? I'm marrying you, oppa. When we register our marriage and get the family relation certificate, only you will be listed, not your mother."

Angry, Mr. A retorted, "What are you talking about? She is your mother-in-law, so she is family. What nonsense are you saying? If she's not family, then what is she?"

The girlfriend responded, "She's just your mother. And why are you trying to make me do proxy filial piety? Forcing me to contact her now is proxy filial piety."

Mr. A said, "After the fight, I have not contacted my girlfriend," and confessed, "I don't know if this is right. I'm seriously considering breaking off the engagement."

Opinions from those who read the story were sharply divided.

Some said, "I think sending a message just to say happy birthday is possible," and "On the contrary, how would you feel if the man said, 'She's your parents, not my family'?" They felt the girlfriend's reaction was excessive even though the birthday message was not an unreasonable request.

However, there were also comments that the cause of the fight was forcing the message despite the refusal.

There is also research showing that women are more sensitive to the issue of proxy filial piety. According to a survey jointly conducted by the remarriage-specialized marriage information company OnlyU and the marriage information company Bienarae, released in January, when asked which traditional holiday custom needs urgent improvement, 38.1% of women answered "proxy filial piety," but "proxy filial piety" did not even appear in the men's responses.