[How About This Book] Break Free from the Cage of a Trapped Perfectionist

Excessive Maladaptive Perfectionism as a Goal
Raised with Selective Praise in Childhood
Suffering from Depression, OCD, Anxiety Disorders
Armed with Logic, Not Helpful for Mental Health
Face Uncomfortable Feelings by Breaking Rules

- People who feel anxiety, stress, and worry because they are not in the ‘right’ place where they should be

- People who deeply believe in their hearts that they are inadequate, useless beings who do not deserve to be loved

- People who wonder why they cannot let go of their obsessions

This book is an advisory guide for people exhibiting such symptoms. The two authors, both psychologists, regard these symptoms as the pain of ‘perfectionism’ and introduce psychological techniques to correct it.

According to the authors, perfectionism usually stems from one’s childhood environment. Growing up among adults with high expectations, it is likely that selective praise was given only when meeting those expectations. On the other hand, mistakes or flaws were sharply criticized, leading naturally to the belief that one must not make mistakes to be loved. Beneath the consciousness of most perfectionists stirs the thought that “I cannot be loved as I am.”

The book covers various aspects of perfectionism. Of course, perfectionism is not always negative. It can act as a catalyst for good performance. So-called ‘adaptive’ perfectionism is a type where individuals strive for rewarding and meaningful achievements, linking perfectionism to positive outcomes such as happiness, life satisfaction, and diligence as they perceive them. They tend to be productive without experiencing burnout.

However, this book focuses on the opposite case: ‘maladaptive’ perfectionism. Maladaptive perfectionists set excessively high standards and suffer from depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, and more when they fail to meet them. Most people who believe they are not loved as they are fall into this category. They often struggle not to fail or be criticized rather than striving to achieve and be satisfied. They usually prioritize results over the process, and if the results are poor, they erase the meaning of the process. Since the process is somewhat controllable but the results are uncertain, their achievements are always in an unstable state.

In fact, perfectionists are always losers in the process of achieving success. Most perfectionists the authors encountered had excessively high goals, which were often highly subjective. Praise from others is also not very helpful. To perfectionists, others’ compliments are seen as obvious pleasantries and tend to be overlooked. What matters more is whether they meet their own standards. Achieving goals is difficult, and even if they do, they are unlikely to recognize it as success. They tend to think, “If I could achieve it, then the goal was too easy from the start.”

One characteristic of perfectionists explained by the authors is principled thinking armed with logic. Most perfectionists’ lives are filled with big and small principles. Principles such as ‘You must not do this, instead you must do that’ restrict their lives. Adding logic to this, they fill the gaps in their arguments with reasons why they think that way, why their principles are rational, and why mistakes are unacceptable, building their own fortress that does not easily collapse. The authors point out, “These principles arise from fear of failure and fear of disappointing others, but perfectionists believe that principles are what allow them to get what they want.”

At the same time, the authors warn that such logic, regardless of its truth, does not help healthy thinking. Logic does not significantly influence problem-solving in the realm of the mind. Association is an example. If told never to think of a ‘pink turtle,’ most people end up thinking of the turtle they were trying not to think about. Similarly, the thought ‘Even if I fail, I should not consider myself a terrible person’ can actually amplify negative thoughts. The authors argue, “If you could solve mental problems with logic, you would solve problems effortlessly like turning on a heater when cold or eating when hungry. (Omitted) But no matter how smart you are, there is no way to escape your thoughts and feelings.”

The authors offer various solutions, reflections, and practical tips related to this. One is to view feelings from a new perspective. They advise facing the uncomfortable emotions that arise when breaking principles once considered natural. The authors emphasize the importance of not avoiding uncomfortable feelings but facing them, “Instead of anxiously trying to make the feeling disappear, give the feeling space to exist and focus on other important tasks during that time.”

They also advise being kind to oneself. The authors warn that self-criticism causes pain, its effects are not long-lasting, and above all, it turns self-criticism into a self-fulfilling prophecy amid extreme fatigue. Furthermore, thinking oneself undeserving of what one rightfully deserves is “(ironically) due to the fear of losing the weight that has been crushing oneself. (Omitted) Liking and even loving yourself is precisely the threatening thing you want to avoid,” encouraging readers to remove that wall of fear.

A Book for Anxious Perfectionists | Michael Tuig and Clarissa Ong | 232 pages | Suo Library | 16,000 KRW