[Lee Yongbeom's Psychology of Happiness] Hatred is the Poison Within Me, the Best Cure is Forgiveness

<21> The Power of Forgiveness

Iyongbeom Novelist

The 2007 film "Miryang" asks us about the meaning of forgiveness. The protagonist, who lost his son, decides to forgive the murderer who lived next door through the power of faith. However, when the protagonist bravely visits the prison, the murderer says he has already sought forgiveness from God and has been saved.

Who did he receive forgiveness from? Does God have the right to forgive the perpetrator regardless of the victim's wishes?

Not everything can be forgiven in the name of God. What God can forgive is limited to the realm of religion. God or God's representatives can promise salvation to those who have atoned. But the act of murder itself cannot be undone. If the commandments collapse, religion cannot exist. Therefore, God exercises both the power of salvation and judgment simultaneously.

Demanding forgiveness in the name of religion even for heinous crimes is another form of harm. Forgiveness is beautiful because it involves the painful choice of the victim. Unconditional forgiveness can send the wrong signal to potential criminals. Forgiveness must be a meaningful act based on the individual's autonomous choice.

◆ Forgiveness that heals me = Revenge is sweet but breeds more revenge. Forgiveness is what breaks this cycle of mutual retaliation. British psychologist Joanna North described forgiveness as "giving up retaliation against the offender."

Just as revenge provides catharsis, forgiveness purifies our hearts. Giving up revenge may seem like a one-sided loss for the victim. But from an evolutionary perspective, it is not. Forgiveness prevents groups from self-destructing through mutual retaliation. It also suppresses the inner urge for revenge, preventing victims from taking reckless risks. For this reason, among social animals, tendencies to reconcile and forgive have evolved. Forgiveness is as much a naturally selected human trait as aggression.

The best way to soften the aggressiveness of the other is to lay down my weapon first. If I do not lay down my weapon first, the other will not either. Forgiveness is an act of informing the offender that I will give up revenge. It is a declaration of intent to put down the weapon aimed at the other's heart. It is a declaration that no more weapons will be taken up.

Without forgiveness, there is no peace. Forgiveness is a signal that peace has begun with the enemy.

Forgiveness reduces the pain borne by both offender and victim and promotes cooperation. People often think forgiveness means forgetting the other's wrongdoing or the wounds they have suffered. They sometimes misunderstand it as improving relations or reconciling with the offender.

However, forgiveness is not understanding or reconciling with the offender. It is not forgetting or acknowledging the offender's crime, nor is it making the wrongdoing disappear. Forgiveness is the act of letting go not only of hatred toward the offender but also of demands and expectations toward them. This is neither submission to the offender nor compromise with injustice.

Forgiveness is not for the sake of the offender but an act of reclaiming control of life from the offender to oneself. Psychologists say those who cannot forgive live with deep anger and fear. They have a higher risk of heart disease, suffer severe stress, and have weakened immune function. Therefore, not forgiving the offender is no different from self-abuse.

If one cannot forgive, one lives filled with anger and hatred inside. The purpose of forgiveness is not to free the offender but to reclaim one's own life. One cannot be happy without forgiveness. Forgiveness is the best remedy to relieve revenge, hatred, and stress.

Movie 'Miryang'

Revenge is sweet but leads to more revenge
Forgiveness purifies our hearts

Though it may seem like a one-sided loss or submission,
It is a signal that peace has begun
True forgiveness requires the offender to accept responsibility

◆ Conditions of forgiveness = Drama protagonists gain the conditions to take revenge on villains only after many hardships. The villain, cornered, begs forgiveness from the protagonist who has only been waiting for the moment of revenge. However, the villain's remorse is often insincere.

In dramas, the villain strikes back when the protagonist is off guard and meets a more tragic end. Can one forgive an offender who is not truly remorseful? Is it justifiable to forgive an unrepentant offender?

Professor Kang Nam-soon of the Bright School of Theology at Christian University in Texas, USA, pointed out three common misunderstandings about forgiveness in her book "On Forgiveness." These are: the misconception that forgiveness is a religious and spiritual topic, the misconception that forgiveness is only possible if the offender repents and apologizes, and the misconception that one cannot forgive without forgetting the incident.

Sometimes, clearly remembering rather than blindly forgetting prevents the recurrence of wounds. Moreover, demanding victims to forget everything without causing trouble may be siding with the offender.

What we gain from forgiveness is overcoming resentment toward the offender and giving up revenge. Resentment is poison of the mind. Like a sore that worsens the more it is touched, resentment deepens the more it is ruminated on. It is very natural to harbor resentment toward the offender. Therefore, letting go of resentment and anger is not a prerequisite for forgiveness.

What must be discarded is hatred and anger that lead to revenge, not moral anger. The target of resentment is immoral behavior, not the person who committed it. The one to forgive is not the immoral act but the "person" who committed it. Therefore, forgiving the offender and the offender being legally punished for wrongful acts are separate matters.

To be forgiven, the offender must recognize their wrongdoing and accept responsibility. Forgiveness is completed when the offender apologizes to the victim and expresses that they will not repeat the wrongdoing. An important part of this process is that the truth of the incident must be revealed. When the truth is buried, no one can know the wounds the victim has suffered. When the truth is known, the victim can remove the fragments of painful memories and pioneer a new life.

Movie 'Miryang'

Obsession with the past is terrible self-hatred
The power of forgiveness that creates a new self

The meaning of forgiveness asked by the film "Miryang"
Is it possible regardless of the victim's will?

◆ The path to forgiveness = Forgiving someone who has inflicted an indelible wound for a lifetime is very difficult. Imagine how a mother who lost her son would look at the son's murderer. People often find it strange that the mother would even decide to forgive the murderer. The same applies to forgiving a father who abused a child in their youth.

It is not easier to forgive just because they are family. The person who forgives must have the courage to let go of all their emotions and expectations. Forgiveness is a firm and resolute expression and choice not to be trapped by past memories anymore.

Obsessing over past incidents for a lifetime is not only self-punishment but terrible self-hatred. Forgiveness is letting go of past wounds along with feelings of revenge. However, there is no need to love the enemy or restore relations with the person who caused the wound. Forgiveness is releasing the hatred and anger inside, not accepting the offender. Therefore, there is no need to meet or talk with the offender.

Forgiveness is a process of creating a new self regardless of the offender. It is escaping the powerless victim role and regaining control over one's life.

Because forgiveness changes memories of the past, it takes a long time. If you want to forgive someone, you do not have to rush. First, try writing a letter to that person. You do not have to deliver the letter; you can keep it neatly in a desk drawer. What matters is the will to forgive and that forgiveness has already begun.

We always make mistakes in life. We can only be forgiven by others as much as we forgive. Therefore, forgiveness should be done with a heart that forgives oneself. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven. Forgiveness itself is healing and the path to freedom.

Novelist